You Are Not Crazy
You’re not! I will say it again because there’s probably some hefty weight leaning its thumb on the other side of the scale.
You. Are. Not. Crazy.
You are experiencing crazy-making behavior. There’s a big difference between the two.
Imagine watching someone across the room who is being pestered by a very insistent fly. You can’t see the fly, so all you see is the person waving her arms around, slapping herself and the air. You might conclude that she is not mentally stable. That perhaps she might be crazy. But she’s not crazy! She is perfectly sane. It’s the FLY’S crazy-making behavior that is inciting what you see, and it is visible to no one but her.
You have a fabulous mind. You are a strong, smart woman. You can think through situations and make wise choices. You can draw conclusions and analyze possibilities. You are completely capable of understanding what is real and what is not.
What you perceive in your relationship is valid. You hear what you hear, and see what you see. Your perspective is legitimate and worthy of respect.
Emotional abuse flips reality upside down.
One version of the crazy-making brain spin might look like this: First he says A is what he firmly believes. The next day he says B is what he firmly believes, even though it’s the opposite of A. Wait. You’re confused and ask what happened to A. He looks at you like you’re nuts and innocently says he has no idea what you’re talking about. You replay the conversation about A for him, of which he suddenly has no recollection. Your efforts at jogging his memory are fruitless.
Reality starts to spin. Maybe you wonder if you were hearing things, since he is so sincere and absolutely certain that he never said A. Yet you know he said A. To you. You heard it. You both even talked about it. The conversation goes nowhere and you’re left feeling confused, maybe doubting your own memory and wondering what’s actually true.
No wonder you’re exhausted! Your brain is hard at work attempting to make sense of what’s happening. This is a waste of your time, as there is no sense to BE made. His reality adjusts to what he wants it to be in the moment, whether or not the facts line up. This makes even simple conversation oddly complicated. It’s easy to start wondering if you are crazy when that’s what’s being consistently communicated to you.
Think about it. You are being told you are crazy by the very one who is creating the craziness. Feeling confused and questioning your own memory is a normal thing that can happen once in a while. When it happens all the time - because he keeps crawling into your head and redefining what’s there - that is not normal.
Someone else constantly rearranging one’s mental furniture would make anyone feel crazy. Which is not that same thing as being crazy. So I repeat: you are NOT crazy. You are experiencing crazy-making behavior. There is a difference.
Remember the fly.
You are not crazy, beloved. All that has happened really did happen. It is real.
Unsplash photo credits: Yns Plt (climber), Huey Images (house), Eduard Militaru (red chair).
Just in case: 24/7 U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline, voice: 800-799-7233, text: “START” to 88788