Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

The author has worked with hundreds of abusive men who participated in his groups under court order. He uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to find ways to get free of an abusive relationship.

This was my most valuable reference book/steadying guide. Practical, educational, and equipping information, from one who truly understand the abusive dynamic. If you could only have one book about abuse on your shelf, this would be it - especially if you are a pastor.

Healing From Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse by Shannon Thomas, LCSW

Psychological abuse leaves no bruises. There are no broken bones. There are no holes in the walls. The bruises, brokenness, and holes are held tightly within the target of the abuse. Healing from Hidden Abuse walks the reader through each of the six recovery stages researched and developed by the author. The stages are Despair, Education, Awakening, Boundaries, Restoration, and Maintenance. A guided Personal Reflections journal is included in the back of the book to help the reader go deeper with the material.

The author is clear and concise, and the stages she outlined gave me a framework that helped me locate myself in the recovery process. Journalling was great for integrating the learning. I often gave this book to people - it was easier than trying to explain the complexities of abuse myself (and is a much shorter read than the Bancroft book).

In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by Dr. George K Simon, Ph.D.

Manipulative people have two goals: to win and to look good doing it. Often those they abuse are only vaguely aware of what is happening to them. Some highlights:

• Power tactics manipulators use to push their own agendas and justify their behavior

• Ways to redefine the rules of engagement between you and an abuser

• How to spot potential weaknesses in your character that can set you up for manipulation.

Lots of case studies that tease out the subtleties of manipulation so it is more easily recognizable.

Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life by Les Carter

Those who are in the unenviable position of living or working with a narcissist have learned by sad trial and error that they are the only one in the relationship who can change the dynamic. Certainly narcissists don’t think they need to change. Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me is a hands-on resource for helping colleagues, families, and spouses deal with people who exhibit narcissistic tendencies by learning how to change their own attitudes and responses.

A good book to get you smart about narcissism and how to navigate it wisely.

Trauma is a fact of life, especially for abuse survivors. That trauma is held in the body and must be released for healing to begin. In The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust. Based on Dr. van der Kolk’s own research and that of other leading specialists, The Body Keeps the Score exposes the tremendous power of our relationships both to hurt and to heal—and offers practical new hope for reclaiming lives.